Corrine StokoeIt's been about a year and a half since Neil and I broke anonymity about his addiction and our path to finding recovery. Two things have overwhelmed me: first, the amount of love and support we've received. We've had so many people reach out and tell us how much they appreciated our story of addiction recovery, it resonated with them, they sent it to a friend, and that they love us (and Neil) even more than before. For that we are both deeply grateful. We have truly felt the love.
The other thing I've been overwhelmed by is the amount of women who've written me some variation of an email or private message telling me that she's struggling with the same situation, married to an addict, feeling totally alone, many haven't told a soul and are carrying the burden silently and alone, and many have asked for specifics on what to do next.
I really tried to reach back out to each person individually, but the number of emails and DMs is in the hundreds … around 700 or so. I only share that so that if I haven't responded, you know it's not because I'm trying to ignore you but I realized after trying for many months, I could never quite catch up with all the messages! This follow-up post is a way to answer some of the most frequently asked questions with a LOT of the resources I've found most helpful. And also to share that clearly, you and I are not alone.
I've put together some helpful tips about finding the right meeting and a few resources that really gave me hope, and continue to strengthen me, during this journey.
Which meeting should I go to?
You can find your nearest ARP meeting here, but please don't feel like you HAVE to go to the meeting you live closest to. If you feel more comfortable attending a meeting 20 or 30 minutes away, please by all means do that! I understand what it's like to be afraid to bump into someone from your local congregation at a 12-step meeting, or even have someone see you enter the building for ARP and ask why you're there. I worried about this at first but quickly found that if we saw anyone we knew, it was like “oh hey, you too? Me too.” If you see someone at the meeting, it's because they're struggling just like you or your family member.
General vs. separate meetings:
There are many ARP meetings available in most areas – general addiction, drug addiction, pornography for men only, support for women only, etc. Neil and I both tried meetings that were separate, and general addiction meetings together, and we both agree that the most helpful format we've found is attending general ARP together. There's something magically healing about hearing from people on the OTHER side of addiction to whom you aren't emotionally attached. I couldn't help but feel love and compassion for other addicts opening up about their struggles in a general ARP meeting, and likewise, Neil started to hear other wives with broken hearts share their raw feelings.
Something about that format helps both the addict and the spouse develop an even deeper compassion and understanding for what the other is facing. It's also incredibly inspiring to see other couples growing and going from a total wreck to strong and secure and made whole through the atonement of Jesus Christ. You can't help but feel hope being surrounded by those kinds of miracles more and more as you keep attending.
Sadly, in my experience, I've mostly felt like meetings that are only for wives of addicts can tend to be pretty negative.
I can only speak from my own experience, and I do know of some women here locally who really love the wives support meeting. But I felt like when I attended wives support meetings, I often left feeling worse than I came, because it's just really hard to not have those negative feelings and experiences that are being shared snowball into a storm of bad feelings and commiserating.
I have found that general addiction ARP meetings are filled with hope and solution, and even the times when someone comes in totally broken and angry (like I was at first), it's offset by the hope and strength of the majority of others who have found solution and the miracle of the atonement of Jesus Christ in the 12-steps of recovery.
Podcasts
Since we first published our story, we've actually started a podcast called Mint Arrow Messages! We mostly share meaningful messages from other people, but we have done a few episodes on addiction recovery on our podcast. Here are those episodes:
- Pornography Addiction Recovery: Our Love Story part 1 (Neil and Corrine sharing our story together)
- Pornography Addiction Recovery: Our Love Story part 2 (Neil and Corrine sharing our story together part 2)
- Overcoming Opiate Addiction with Jay and Lexy
- Good Pictures, Bad Pictures with Kristen Jenson – how to talk to your children about pornography
- Codependency with Mandi Gubler of Vintage Revivals
Neil and I were interviewed on LDS Living's podcast called “All In,” that asks the question, “what does it mean to be all-in the gospel of Jesus Christ?” It's one hour and really tells the story well from both of our perspectives. You can listen to that interview here:
Corrine And Neil Stokoe Finding Healing from Pornography Addiction
The Next Step Podcast:
This podcast is ran by Brad and Jay, two guys who we know from a local ARP meeting. I've listened to just about every episode of this podcast and it has given me SO MUCH HOPE hearing the in-depth stories of other addicts and how they've found true recovery from attending ARP, working the steps, and really thoroughly using the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Each episode Brad and Jay shoot the breeze about surfing, news, then they play a recording of Jay's share for the week, and then they dive into an interview part called “ask the addict” which is my favorite part. But if you've never been to a meeting, in Jay's weekly share you can hear kind of what you could expect from an ARP meeting.
Neil and I have both been on their podcast. Here are our episodes:
- Corrine's interview on The Next Step Podcast
- Neil's interview on The Next Step Podcast
- Corrine participates in a spouse's round table on The Next Step Podcast
Ensign article
Our church reached out to me and asked me to write an article for the young single adults about my experience deciding to marry someone who was struggling with and in recovery from pornography addiction. You can read that Ensign article here.
Books
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie – I mentioned this book in our original post about addiction recovery but it's one of the MOST helpful things I've read on codependency and about addiction in general. If you've lived in the endless worry and obsession of “how in the world can I help this person stop and what should I be doing?” or even “I feel like I'm going crazy trying to control this” then you NEED to read this book – it will change your life!
The Book of Mormon – I know I've talked about how much I love this book before, but nothing has brought me peace like reading this book every single day. It sometimes was my only solace in the crazy and I firmly believe that God led us to solutions in recovery because we were reading this book daily. It's my superpower in life, the thing that allows me to have the clearest connection with my Heavenly Father by reading it each day and learning from the stories of the believers of this book, many of whom overcame serious sins and addictions. One of my favorite stories is of Alma the Younger who was one of the vilest of sinners, who turned his life around and then spent the rest of his life teaching others how to do the same (step 12) and serving God. Receive a free copy here.
The ARP manual: you can download a free copy here or access it on the gospel library app, but I strongly strongly suggest using a paper copy and writing down the answers (not just thinking about them, I tried that and it didn't work ha!). It can be purchased here for $1. Working the steps in this manual, and attending a weekly ARP meeting, changed Neil's life and mine forever.
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson: we interviewed Kristen Jenson for our podcast and it was extremely educational and helpful on the topic of how to talk to our kids about pornography and how to porn-proof today's young kids. We have read the junior version to our girls several times and love that one too for kids under 8.
I hope these resources and tips on finding the right meeting help some of you find the hope and healing you're looking for.
I KNOW solution exists, miracles have not ceased just because Jesus doesn't walk among us today. He is alive and I know He loves us and that His atonement can make anything complete, if we will come unto Him.
I left you with a thought last time that many people wrote and said resonated with them, that I believe Heavenly Father wouldn't give this challenge to so many of His children without also providing a solution. I know that for myself because I've seen the miracle occur in our home, the complete change of heart, not in just Neil's but in mine as well.
Since I was a teenager, this has been and still is one of my favorite quotations ever: “Nothing is going to startle us more when we pass through the veil to the other side than to realize how well we know our Father and how familiar his face is to us.” – Ezra Taft Benson.
I know our Heavenly Father loves EACH of us, individually, is aware of our struggles, and wants us to find peace and ultimately return to live with Him someday. He's rooting for you, and I'm rooting for you.
If you're new here, read part 1 of our real life love story of finding hope and recovery from addiction here.
I’m a struggling wife of a man addicted to pornagraphy.
He told me, while we were dating, that he “struggled with pornagraphy in the past.” So to me that meant that he was over it and got past that trial. Little did I know, which I knew nothing, that he was still struggling. Daily. We got married and a few months in, I found out(I won’t go into detail) that he was still struggling and it total wrecked my world. I thought I had married this perfect dreamboat. But I’d married a broken man. Which I know and I believe that through the atonement, things can get better.
I shrugged it off and acted as though it had never happened. Fast forward a few months, it resurfaced. We were down at my parents cabin for Christmas. He left to go on some work trips and I knew that he was struggling and would struggle even more being alone and on the road for so long. While I was there with my family, I opened up about what was going on with my sister. She was heartbroken. She was and is one of the lucky ones who hasn’t had this burden put upon them, soot was difficult for her to give advice or really to truly understand. She told me I needed to tell my Mom. I just didn’t m is how to. So one night she told my Mom I had something I needed to tell her. So I told her everything I told my sister. Which she hasn’t gone through it either. I just felt so alone and unlucky and unloved. I’d already gone through the biggest trial in my life, and now I have this one to go through that I honestly don’t know how to.
I’ve talked to my sister in law about everything because she and her husband have gone through this too, but it’s different. My husband is a totally different person. He’s stubborn and prideful. I told him we needed to go see the Bishop, which we did. But he’d already gone to see him before and knew all the right things to say. He was lying through his teeth and I knew it but didn’t know how to get him to tell the truth. Bishop told him he needed to just stop. But he hasn’t.
I thought that after having our second child things would get better. Or the fact that I’ve told him that I’ve thought about leaving him. But he still hasn’t.
He hasn’t gone to the bishop or gone to the meetings like he soar he would.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of it. I just don’t know what to do.
I wish I could say that yours nd Neil’s story gives me hope, but right now, I’m the heat of it all, I don’t ever see it stopping.
I know I just need to have faith. I need to trust in the Lord that he can change.
I need to work on myself so that I can help him work on himself.
I really do understand the feeling of hopelessness. If you read my original post and especially if you listen to my podcast episode, I go into a lot of detail there about just how hopeless I felt. And how my “rock bottom” wasn’t about doing something to control Neil, but to find peace for myself. I really do know how hard all of this is and how alone you can feel. I can only say that the hope and peace I’ve found from doing the steps myself and working my own program has completely changed everything for me. Your husband can change, but it will be up to him, not the Lord, to make that change happen. And I honestly do know how hard that is. I really can relate. All I can offer is my experience that the 12 steps of ARP helped me access peace and the Savior’s atonement in a way I never have before. Lots of love to you <3
After reading your first post I decided to start studying the ARP manual. I just read a little bit each day and think about it.
This is an excellent resource not just for those with “serious” issues, but for all of us. I am more aware how I can waste timing dwelling on unimportant or negative thoughts. The ideas and scriptures in the manual help me choose to be more constructive and positive.
I am sorry you have had to go through difficult territory and applaud your openness in helping so many.
Much love.
Thanks so much Peggy and I so agree, the ARP manual can help ANYONE overcome weaknesses and things that are holding us back in life from really feeling the love of God. One of my favorite examples is a man who attended our local meeting a couple times with a friend struggling with addiction, until he realized that the steps could help him overcome road rage and a profanity problem that he wanted to stop. I love his shares because they’re so real and show that the atonement of Jesus Christ can help with anything! Anyway thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it and agree so much!
Thank you SO MUCH. I love the 12 Steps and I am so grateful for how they are changing my life and improving my relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ. You sharing your story is so brave and beautiful and it has really helped me and I’m excited to share it with others. Bless you and your family.