Episode 265: That’s not a thing: it only has as much power as you give it

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So the other day I was coming home from a youth activity and I was giving a girl a ride home in our ward in our church congregation. And I love that I get to work with the young women in our ward and one of them. was kind of telling me, I was asking her, like, what's going on at school? What's going on with friends?

You know, what are you up to these days? And she was telling me about kind of some drama that she was having with friends. And she said, she was explaining this girl that she goes to school with. And she said, yeah, you know, on the popularity scale, like she's way up here. And I'm like way down here. And I just looked at her and I said, that is not a thing.

That is not a thing unless you make it a thing. That is, that has no relevance in real life. It definitely doesn't have any relevance in the next life. And that only has as much power as you give it. And she just looked at me like deer in headlights. Like, wait, what did you just say? And I just have thought about it so much where I'm like, man, I remember feeling that way.

In middle school feeling like, oh, these are the popular kids and I'm kind of somewhere maybe in the middle, you know, I'll never rise to the top. And the older you get, the more you, I think most people realize irrelevant that is, but it feels very real in the moment. And I think that we still do things like that as adults, you know, where you can stop and say, wait a minute, that's, this is not a thing unless you make it a thing.

Um, you know, so I wanted to talk about that today because I feel like there's a lot of things in our world that we just need to pay attention to what we're giving a lot of power to. Yeah. No, I, I immediately, anytime like this type of a topic comes up, I immediately go to middle school. Like I think that was just such a brutal, brutal time, uh, for me, but I totally remember that.

I remember it was almost like scripted in. Socially, to totally, I totally grew up with that thinking like, Oh, there's, there's like a hierarchy. There's like a, you know, there's levels of how cool, how popular, like these kids are here. Like, you know, and there it's, it's this like stratification that's, that's so detailed and, you know.

And they, and they portrayed in all these movies too, like they'll, they'll, they'll play it out. It's like written in to our society to be this way, Greece, Greece, or like Mean Girls or, you know, some of these other, um, shows. But I think that that is something that getting older and especially getting out of.

Um, and, and away from that, and you kind of look back and see, and I think so many of the mistakes that I made or things that I did wrong were because I was trying to play to that hierarchy. Tell me a story. Like, tell me. A story. Yeah. I know you have stories. I got to think of one that I could actually tell.

Um, I, you know, yeah, I think I just was constantly trying to just whatever I thought was going to be like the cool thing, um, to do. And I look back and I'm just like, man, I just did it. I'm embarrassed, you know, like that I was like that. We all did things. We're acting like that. Yeah, we all did things that we're embarrassed of now and that's okay.

That's called life and learning. Yeah. That's to be expected. I can't think of a, there are certain ones I can't think of one off the top of my head right now, but. Okay. And I remember saying this to you the other day when we were in the car and we were talking about, you know, just life and different things that we've been through and you were talking about.

The perception that other people have of you or of a man and you know, that the job title defines him and that's the way that the world, that's the way the world measures men. And you were just like on and on and it was, you were very passionate about it. Like this is the way that the world measures how good you are.

And I was like, that is not a thing that is not who you really are. And I, I don't know, money is just a way, it's a vehicle to get things done in this life and to, you know, feed your family and, and get an education and, you know, then do you do good or bad with it? But how much of it you have does not equal like a scale of where you are as far as like a good person or a bad person or worthy or not worthy.

That's just not how it works because if we have a total. you know, eternal perspective of this life is only a little bit. And then life after death is, you know, the real where we're going. I mean, that's what we believe is that what we're doing. And I think most, a lot of religious people believe that what we're doing in this life is going to take us somewhere else in the next life.

That's a much bigger deal. And I promise you, nobody's going to ask. Ask for your tax return when you get to heaven, there's going to be no, like, you know, pearly gates like, okay, here's, here's the bench. Did you make it? Did you pay your taxes? Maybe that's going to be, I mean, that's, it could, that could be part of it, but anyway, going back to, I remember you were so passionately telling me how, you know, The world measures a man by his career.

No, I mean, and I think in the same, they're just the, these, these roles, I think are super interesting to look at if like, almost like if I can step out of it for a minute and look at what does, I don't know, I don't know if you want to say society or people or whatever. I think that there's a, there's this concept of, okay.

You know, as a man, you go out, you make money, you provide for your family. I think there's like a hunter gatherer instinct that's there. I mean, I, I think he, I think that's legitimately like a thing. Um, but I think what we've built around that. And I, I see myself and I've, I've talked to just several people when you get someone in an on a spot, there's like a direct tie to, it's either like monetarily how much money you make or, um, you know, what title or profession or job or whatever you have, that's like a direct measure of, uh, of how, how good or not good.

You are. Um, and so I think that that it's, it's, it's woven in, but I agree with you. I think you can give it more power than, than not, but you just, I think listening in the conversations or hearing people talk about it, it's subtle or sometimes explicit. Like it just, you'll hear, you'll hear it come up. But this is the same thing as how real that popularity contest is in middle school.

Like when you're in middle school, that is everything. The, oh, Stacy's at the top and Mallory's somewhere close to the bottom, like she's way up here and I'm way down here. I'm using babysitter's club names, but, um, that was so real. That was basically my whole universe, you know? And I, it sounds like yours too at that age.

And yet. Okay. If you pull, if you can look at, and this is where I think it's kind of interesting as an adult. If you can look at someone like this girl that I was looking at, where I just love her and I can see her worth. I can see her the way God sees her and all of her potential and capability and how just kind and good she is.

She's, It's so good and kind to the core and does so many kind things for other people. And I'm like, this is what makes you, you, this is like all of these wonderful characteristics that make you unique. That's what makes you good. That's what makes you. And, and the worthiness comes from. being a child of God.

And that's not something you have to earn. That's not something that like only certain people get in life. And yet that popularity thing is so real and it to them, because they're giving it so much power. But when I looked at her and said, that is not a thing, unless you make it a thing. That's not a thing where she's up here and you're down here.

That's just not, That's just not it. And it's the same thing with, you know, feeling like, Oh man, like he's the CEO and I'm just whatever. Like, God does not look at people that way. He just doesn't. And so I think if you have, you had me read this week, what was the talk called that you said? Oh, my only feedback.

I was getting ready for my BYU women's conference speech and you said, like, like on prevail. Yes. I read Russell. I'm Nelson. I reread that. Um, and it talked about one of his daughter and daughters in law, daughter in laws, whatever, um, was going through something really hard where her mom was about to die.

And so maybe it was the granddaughter in law or something, but the husband went to grandpa. Yeah. So it had to be granddaughter in law. So the grandson went to grandpa, which is. Russell Nelson and said, you know, what do I say to her? Like, what, what's your advice? And he only gave one word and it was, myopic.

And so he took it home. And at first she was devastated because she looked up what myopic meant and it just meant nearsighted. She was like, this is supposed to help me. This is, this is your one word. And you have to know that Russell M. Nelson is a physician. He was like a world famous cardiac surgeon.

And anyway, he, I think he like performed one of the first open, he was, he had a somehow helped with bringing open heart surgery. Um, but anyway, as a doctor, that's how he thought. And so he gave her that word to ponder on and study and whatever. And at first she said she was really angry, but then later on after her mom did pass, that was so helpful to her because she realized that if she zoomed out and didn't, wasn't just looking only at what was in front of her face, but really the full meaning of life and that we have this whole other life to live after in the eternities, that that's what was going to help her.

And so when I looked at this girl and she's telling me like, Oh, you know, she's up here and I'm way down here. I'm like, please don't believe that because it's not true. It's not a thing. And so I think that even hearing you say that, I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is not a thing unless you make it a thing, unless you, it only has as much power as you're willing to give it.

Well, I think people, I think that it's gone a lot of times, like a lot of times I'll be like, Oh, we're all grown out of that stuff. Nobody, you know, but then you just see it come up. And, and I think in just day to day stuff or in relationships or in friendships or whatever. And it's like, wow, we still think this way.

But let's talk about that because we've talked about that too. You and I have talked about how typically people who feel like they need to kind of put people on a scale or they need to like, You know, establish where they are on a, this like imaginary, that's not a thing scale. Typically I see that it's because they're struggling with something and they're trying to like affirm to themselves or to the outside world, like, well, this is where I'm at, or this is where we're at, or this is why we're cool or more relevant or whatever.

Because when you look at someone who has really, really strong self esteem and they're rooted in the right things. They just don't care about that stuff. They don't think about it. It's not how they judge others. It's not how they, you know, decide where they think you line up in the scale of life or whatever.

People who are really, really solid in their self worth and not even necessarily like, you know, faith people, I'm just talking about like a good person who just has good self esteem. They feel good about themselves no matter what their, you know, belief system is. People like that just. Treat other people.

Well see everyone the same, you know It's kind of that like you can tell a lot. My dad taught me this you can tell a lot by About a person by the way, they treat someone who can do nothing for them, you know, by the way, they treat somebody that's a server or someone who you know is Providing some kind of service to them.

We're like on that imaginary scale you're up here and they're down here but really we're we are all the same as far as like where God places us and our worth to him. Yeah. No. And I think of, this is something that I, like in recovery, it was such a huge focus just because all of the roots of addiction, a lot of them for me and for just people that I talked to, um, come from, you know, A lot of just wanting, seeking validation or wanting to be enough or good enough or perceived as someone who's like valid or good.

And so you're seeking like accolades or you're seeking popularity or money or like trying to be funny or, you know, all of these different things so that Somebody potentially or everybody would look at you and be like, wow, this person's good or great or awesome or whatever. Um, and I think that that can change.

And so, but I think when I look at the people that really have. Like are centered and grounded are the ones that have a positive connection with their themselves, like understanding who they are and their value in, in, and are confident in that. Um, and I think most times that comes from a connection, strong connection with God and understanding their relationship to God and receiving the validation.

I mean, that's ultimately all of the, the. Literature that I've read or like studied in, in recovery, um, it, it, it all kind of comes back to that concept is getting validation from God and, and living in accordance with like your highest and best self and being confident in that. Because I think we do go out into just everyday life or into the world and it gets chipped away at.

And, and because you're in these situations that. You know, it's like weights and measures everywhere you look or everywhere you go. And sometimes it's just blatant and explicit. It's like, all right, you know, rank and file, here is your thing. And you're treated as such. See, I just don't think that way. I don't, it like.

Well, I think I just think it happens literally. I think you literally go into like a corporate structure or like a, you know, like we did like direct sales, you know, they've got like your, you know, here's your rank or whatever. That's true. Yeah. Where there was like ranks and you sat in certain places and you had access.

Or you didn't. Yeah. Yeah. There was like a, like a stratification. and one thing that I blew my mind as we were talking, um, to, we went to the. Rising star. We talked to some rising star folks and we're talking about like these kids that got the eggs. Like, some got, some got, well, no, I mean, I'll just, the brief concept, but like, it was a big deal for these kids to have protein, like they weren't getting protein.

And so if you got like a, like an egg, like a boiled egg, children in India, children in India, It was like a big deal. So the kids that got these boiled eggs, they started getting 'em. Like they, all of a sudden it created this like this stratification where it was like, okay, well I don't wanna play with the kids that don't have boiled eggs.

No, it was because they're not as cool. Or like, what was it again? What I understood, and by the way, shout out to my mom 'cause she was the one that, she's the one that brought the protein to be hard leveled the playing field baby. Yeah. Well, so what it was, is. The children that were in the Rising Star School who started to get protein in their lunch every day You know, the egg, the other kids in the community didn't want to play with them anymore.

That's what I understood happened. It created this problem where the other kids were jealous and then they didn't, you know, and they were. So then what they did is they provided eggs to every kid, not just the kids that were going to the school, but they were able to work something out where they were, they could provide it to everybody.

You know, as, as much as they possibly could and to these children. And so anyway, that's been a really cool thing. That's what my mom raised funds for last year was. To be able to get the protein for these kids. Yeah. But I think it just, what blew my mind about that is like, we'll take anything relative to our circumstance potentially and create like a hierarchy, like a hierarchy out of it.

And I think even down to the point of a boiled egg, like who gets a boiled egg and who doesn't, you know, like we're, we're, you can be at that level. So it just, I think there's a human nature. Sure. But I totally agree with you. It's only relative to the power that you give it or don't give it and where you can get validation.

But you were, you're totally right when you're bringing up when we did doTERRA, we can just call it out. Sorry. Everybody knows what it was. Um, we did doTERRA and I loved it. Like there were so many great things about it. The company was really, really wonderful. Still is. Um. Yeah. Like I thought it was so cool that a lot of direct sales companies lead with like big cars and big house and this is like it's all about like the money is the driver and Dave Sterling who at the time was a CEO of the company was like no We're gonna bring Dave Ramsey's daughter in here and teach people how to be frugal teach people how to be responsible with their money and and led by example of saying like I drive a Toyota Camry or whatever it was at the time and And So there were so many cool things about doTERRA that, and we're still, you know, technically part of it.

And I, I love that company. What was a little weird, and I agree with you on this, is you did, you walked in and there were just were ranks. Everywhere and, and science of all of it. And so much of that is to drive competition because people are driven by competition, but you would wear like these name tags and people would have like ribbons that ran all the way down, you know, all these different colors that showed like, Oh, you were a top enroller and you were a bestseller.

And I don't know what they were, but they were all these different awards that you can win. And then you hit certain levels and you got more ribbons and then you could enter. The building, they had the convention at the Delta center, which is enormous holds like, I don't know, at least 50, 000 people. And so people would come in and you got to, depending on where you ranked in the company, how much you had sold.

you could walk in earlier than other people and get better seats. And then like the people that were making the most money got to sit like right on the floor at these nice tables with like cushy chairs and drinks and whatever. And so they make it so that you look at it and you go like, Oh, I want to sit there next year.

And they have this like red carpet thing. And you know, there's all these things and they have an incentive trip. And so I get that. But I, I remember feeling a little bit weird, like, gosh, this. This feels a little off to me, like all this segregating of like, well, let's move the next round of cattle in depending on, you know, how, how much people have sold this year.

And, but you are, you're right that first of all, that, that was the thing for me. But second of all, it's only as much as you give it power to be a thing and You know what all roads lead back to your your favorite my favorite talk my favorite talk beware of proud pride talks all about this and This is what?

Ezra Taft Benson said about this, the proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measure device against others. In the words of CS Lewis, pride gets no pleasure out of having something only out of having more of it than the next man.

It is the comparison that makes you proud. The pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride has gone. So, and I, I think that, I mean, you have to study the whole talk to really understand it in depth, but it doesn't make someone a bad person that they love competition or they love to achieve.

But I think where you, where you want to be cautious and beware of pride teaches this so masterfully is, oh, and I'll just go down to it because the, the end of this is so good where he says. Well, here, here, this one, this is also a really good one liner. When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men's judgment.

The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God and the proud let go of the iron rod, which the iron rod in our doctrine is, is represents the heart. The word of God, right? Yeah. Yeah. Um, but let me go down to, he does at the end of this and I just can't recommend it enough.

It is my very favorite, but, um, at the end he talks about, we can overcome this. Like we can choose to be humble ourselves by conquering enmity, which is anytime you're in a state of opposition toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves and lifting them as high or higher than we are. So that's his solution is if you're struggling with this, you got to start seeing people the same, either the same or higher than you are in as far as importance and where they land on this like imaginary scale that is only as powerful as you give it power.

Yeah, I think that that makes a lot of sense. I mean, and maybe there are like, I think that it's varying degrees, but I've, I've I'm always surprised when, when I've just, there's been a few different situations where there's just like a blatant run in with this. Like, I'm like, wow, this still exists. Like we are still doing this at this level of like, you know, whatever the, the measurement is, You know, uh, of, of, you know, you got, you got an egg and I don't, and I'm mad about it, you know, like stuff like that.

It's so surprising, but also I think at the end of the day, the only one that I can control is myself. And so looking at myself and what I love is, is there's a quote that I love from, I think it's, uh, This, this guy, Elder Cornish from our church, he talks about it and he's talking about comparison and he's like, if you have to compare yourself to, to something, compare how you used to be to how you are now or how you want to be in the future.

That's what the 12 steps teach us. Like that's, that's really the measurement that you got to use. And I think when I do that, it's mind blowing, like, and I, for me, that one thing that's really helpful. Is keeping a journal like i've been pretty good about keeping a journal And what I love is being able to look back like 10 years ago or whatever and read it and then think Forward to where I am now and a lot of the stuff that I was talking about are so caught up in or worried about is like I look around now and i'm like, holy cow, like if that self 10 or 20 years ago could see now.

I'm like, Whoa, like that's amazing. And look at all the progress. Look at where we are. Yeah. Um, you know, and, and maybe it's not always that way. Maybe there's been some hard things or challenges, even in my life, there's things that I look at, I'm like, man, like this happened or this challenge happened and, and, and that that's a setback, but still, again, I can look to the future and say, this is where I want to be.

So it's, it's a, it's a really cool way. I think that the correct way. Yeah. And to your point too, what I feel like this is what the 12 steps teach us is like, stay in your lane, keep your side of the street, your side of the street clean, clean, work with God. Let him be, tell you where you're measuring. And that's it.

That's it. I loved when we had Melinda Welch on the podcast. She was one of our most popular episodes ever. And she said, I don't have to be someone else's judge. I don't have to judge them. And I think about that all the time. I think about how if I'm tempted to judge someone or I'm, you know, think about like where they're at versus where I'm at and that whole comparison thing.

It's like, Oh, I'm I, it's not even my job to figure out where they're at with things. I just, I have so much to work on myself. I just need to like stay focused on that. That's going to keep me busy all day, every day, the rest of my life. Yeah, no, I think that that's, there's enough things to look at and to work on, on, on my side of the street without looking at somebody else's, but I think, yeah, human nature and, and just the way that it's oftentimes can seem like it's scripted in everywhere is.

Um, you know, to be so like comparison minded and competitive or, or stratify everything to the nth degree. And then, you know, it just causes a lot of problems, but you know, I don't know. I do want to, yeah, I do want to say, cause this is just like popping up in my mind that I absolutely. want to recognize that there are marginalized people, marginalized communities.

There was this thing that kind of blew up on my Instagram stories. I don't know, at least a month ago where I said, Oh, I'm, I'm really on the struggle bus this morning. And there was a mom of a child who had disabilities. And she said that really, um, I don't remember if she said that offends me, but she said, like, you want to be careful saying that, like that has a really negative connotation or whatever.

And I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And I, I wanted to address it right away, apologize for it and say like, if this is something, you know, well, I wanted to let other people know, like, also let's not, you know. And then there was this whole dialogue about whether that is or isn't offensive to families who have children with special needs or with disabilities.

The point is, there are people who definitely are marginalized, who are not treated the same and I think it's, while we want, we can talk all day long about this isn't a thing, that isn't a thing. And it is 100 percent a thing that there are people who are never going to be treated the same as others equally wherever they go.

And that is, that is a truth that I want to acknowledge. And I think it's, if it's just as important, if not even more important than saying like, Oh, we're all the same to say, wait, and there are people and their communities who we need to rally for, who we need to always look out for. My mom did such a good job of teaching me this, like always look out for the kid who is being bullied or treated poorly because they're a little bit different.

You know, always look for someone who looks like they're alone because they don't maybe have the social skills to go out and like make a bunch of friends. My brother Jake was so good at this. He always had this soft spot for kids who had disabilities and he was always like doing things to befriend them or to include them.

I remember like one year he went off to EFY, which is like church summer camp that we do in our faith. And he came home and told us all about how he made friends with this kid who was, I think in a wheelchair or something. And they like did a whole thing in the talent show and they included him and it was really cool.

But I just want to make that mention that it is really important to say there are definitely people who we need to always keep an eye out for and help lift them. Because They do have it harder and there are things that are stacked against them that will never be the same as other people who don't have to deal with the same prejudices or the same, you know, things that just make life more challenging for them.

So just wanted to make mention of that, that felt important to me. But I think the point of all of this though, is, you know, the, The original topic of that's not a thing and don't make it a thing as far as like the popularity, she's up here and I'm down here. Is to just remember that at the end of the day, we are all God's children and that his measuring stick is individual for each of us.

It's not a, I, I'm comparing, you know, Neil to Johnny or Corinne to Amy or whatever. It's like, it's just you and God. That's it. That's all you have to worry about. And if you stay in that lane, Um, for me at least I do a whole lot better. Okay. So the only thing I just, as we're talking about this, I think sometimes just simplicity wins the day.

And I love when I'm like, I don't listen to a lot of rap music, but there is a rap song that I do like because it's like really actually like a really positive one. So T. I. Live your life. Um. Thank you. The first part of it, he says, is something to the effect of like, sometimes you just need to stop looking at what you ain't got and start being grateful for the things that you do got.

And I think the simplicity of that quote is so good. Like it just, it's one of those ones where I'm like, man, sometimes you just need straight, simple truth. Shout out to T. I. With your life. Just dropping truth bombs on us in his rap music. Just inspiring. Just inspiring.

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