Recently someone came to me in my DMs on instagram and asked, “what exactly is surrender?” And I thought to myself, “this is an easy one for me!” and then quickly the Spirit reminded me, “wait a minute, but you didn’t know this for a LONG TIME.” And I remembered how badly I struggled with my codependency before I learned how to surrender. So today we’re breaking down the very most basic parts of surrender and sharing some of the things we’ve gone through within just the past week and how surrender has played a huge part in surviving all of it.
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Okay. Today's topic is surrender. Are you looking at me? Yeah. Okay. Surrender. Is there someone else in the room? No, I don't, I don't know. Okay. I didn't know if you wanted me to say that or not. The reason why surrender is what we decided to talk about today is because somebody sent me a DM a week or two ago and said, what exactly is surrender?
And I thought, Oh, we could totally do a whole podcast episode on that. So. The basic idea, why don't you explain the basic idea of surrender? Well, let's start with like in, in a war or in sports or in, you know, it, it would be like, okay, I lose fine. You win, right? Yeah. But like raising the white flag and then you're like, all right, we surrendered, like it happened in all the, you know, a bunch of the world wars, you got somebody who is basically boxed in their beat, they know it.
They raised the right flag, white flag. And they're like, we're done. So that is surrender. So it's super count counterintuitive the way that it's talked about in like a recovery sense to where you're like surrendering your addiction, you don't surrender to your addiction, um, be surrender to God. Um, and so, or your, your higher power, you turn it over to your higher power and, and you surrender to him.
And then he basically, Fights the battle for you. Um, and it's no longer this thing that you're just trying to control and manage, that's just absolutely out of control and unmanageable. Okay. I have a question for you that we totally didn't talk about before this, but do you feel like. When I learned about this concept in Recovery and in going to 12 step meetings because it was very misunderstood for me at first I was I didn't like surrender.
I didn't like powerlessness. I felt like these were all like a little excuse phrase terminology Whatever that addicts use kind of just to be like, oh, we're gonna call this We're gonna call this powerlessness and and give ourselves like, you know, I want to justify Yeah, a hall pass And then we're going to say surrender because I don't know, I just didn't understand any of them.
And then when I started to understand, I was like, how did I miss this going to church for 30 something years of my life every Sunday? Is there something that we teach in Christianity that is, that we package it differently? And then we just don't understand it or because I feel like this is the essence of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
This is like, he died for your sins, you surrender, and then he comes in and takes over. But you have that piece of surrender has to happen in order for you to like, let go and let him, I mean, this is Carrie Underwood's Jesus take the wheel. But I feel like at least in my upbringing, I'm like, where did they teach that?
Or how did I miss it? And you're the master at the like, the planet of happiness is. So where is it in there? Well, I guess in direct answer to your question, there's a lot of there actually it's, it's in there, but we just don't, A lot of times, just as a people, we learn the exact opposite, which is the, the first thing that a lot of times when you have a struggle, you have in a, you know, a problem or you need some, you need to change something.
Try harder. It's just pull up your bootstraps, try harder, pick up the pace, get it like, it's like the Nike commercials. You know, it's just like, just do it. Like which I, which is totally true. 100%. Yes. Like if you're. Playing sports or you're running a marathon or you're, you know, whatever, you're, you're pushing yourself.
You're doing some, some thing, uh, absolutely. That totally applies. And so, but I think it's pushed so hard all of the time that immediately, I, at least for me, it becomes like this. It's like, Beat the snot out of yourself to get performance. It's like, just keep, like, just try harder, like push yourself. Come on, like, do, do this.
But I think when it comes to an addiction or something that you just don't, you literally have lost your ability or your will, you've succumbed so many times that you like, you're, you are powerless. That totally doesn't work. And it's just frustrating. Be, and I think it's frustrating for yourself. I think it's frustrating for like, the people around you are like, dude, just, have you ever tried just stopping
You know, like, I remember like somebody joked about that in the meeting. They're like talking to a family member and their family, you know, explaining their addiction and they're like, well, have you ever tried just like not doing it? Like, remember when I would tell you like, if you loved me, you would, if you loved Oh totally.
Our family, you would stop. Like if you, and that the blender thing where I would be like, well, you must like this because if you stuck your hand in a blender, you wouldn't like it. You'd never do it again. So, yeah, which I mean, I totally get it. I, I, I really do. And it's, and it's hard because it's like, you're, everything's on the line.
Your family's on the line. Your relationships are on the line. If you're, you know, like a member of a church or faith, or you're like worried about your, your membership or your relationship with God and how that's going to be affect all this stuff. It affects everything, and yet you're still doing something that is contrary to all of this.
Well, I want to touch on something that you just said, too, where you were like, if you're an addict and you've given up your will so many times, like you've given in to your addiction so many times, then you become powerless, which I agree with, but surrender applies to so many things in life. So many things where you just can't control it, and so I am not an addict by like a textbook definition.
It's not my personality. Like there's so many things about me where we talk about our differences and I have lots of weaknesses, but addict personality is not inherent for me. Um, however, surrender has changed my life. So when I surrendered, I finally just said, okay, God, I can't control Neil or what he chooses to do.
I'm surrendering this humongous burden weight that I've been carrying around. And I used to be, and this is the, the definition of codependency is trying to control someone else so that you feel in control. So I would do. All kinds of things try to check up on you, figure out what you were doing, ask you a million times, how are you doing today?
How's it going? How, how's your recovery? You know, like there were all these things that I did that I was trying to be helpful. But really, I wanted to control you so that I felt in control, so that my life felt in control. So surrendering was finally saying, and if you're listening to this, I wish you could see all of my hand motions because this, it's very much a fully, like, put your hands up and you say, okay, I surrender.
And that was what I felt like when I got on my knees and did my third step was just saying, okay, Heavenly Father, I can't control Neil. I can't control his addiction. I am handing this burden over to you. And I felt a physical reprieve. I know that seems silly or maybe sounds corny, but I felt like someone just lifted this thousand pounds of bricks.
And I always think of the bricks because I, in my mind that makes so much sense. Like I was trying to carry these bricks around and if you can imagine that they would, you know, fall out the bottom and I'd stumble on them and like stub my toe and they'd be falling out the sides and the top and I could never get.
Hold of them and so just being free of that was I, I mean, even now I'm like breathing a sigh of relief thinking about that, reliving it. Every time I think about it, it feels like that release all over again of just saying, okay, Heavenly Father, here you go. And it's like, for me, I felt like Jesus just came in and scooped it all up and said, okay, I'll take it away.
Thanks for finally allowing me. to do that for you. So where I think it totally is life changing for an addict, I also think for people who, what we call our normies, it's the same principle works in all things that you cannot control, which is Yeah. Absolutely. And so I, I mean, I think of the first thing, a couple of things.
So in like the first three steps of, of the 12 steps first, we can, you know, came to believe that we're, we're, we're powerless over our addiction. Our life has become unmanageable. So there is that like, okay, I can't do this. Like I've proven it. It's obvious to me. It's obvious to everybody else. I can't. And then come to believe that a power greater than yourself.
Can restore you to sanity or complete spiritual health. Like, okay. So there's something out there, a God that can, I can't, you know, I can't, God can, and then in step three, make a decision to turn your life and your will over the care of God, as you understand him. Um, So it's kind of like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to do it.
And so I think those three steps combined in my mind is that is surrender is, is the, I can't God can, and I'm going to let him, I'm actually going to believe this and I'm going to shift my mind from this, me trying to control everything and trying to manage everything that is unmanageable in my life. to, all right, God's going to manage it.
So I think that's the first part. There's also another part of this though. It's, it's not, you know, I think a lot of people will say like, well, so what? You're just like, not going to do anything now. Like, okay. Like, Oh, God's got it. I'm not going to take any responsibility. It's totally not like that. So that's where.
The serenity prayer comes into this, into play, and it totally makes sense. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mind be done. And so there's a few components on that. So the first one is accepting the things you can't change because A lot of the stuff that I obsess over, or I see people, you know, it's a general thing that happens.
It's over stuff you just, there is nothing you can do about it. It's like in the past, it's something that happened, or it's like somebody else's will, which is none of my business. Um, and so it's accepting that. But I, for some crazy reason, I think I just obsess about controlling that. I've never heard you say that someone else's will is none of your business.
I don't know. It just came to me. It's just like a lightning bolt into my mind. I just didn't know if that was like a recovery thing that is like, that I didn't know about. Anyway, keep going. Maybe I heard it somewhere. Um, but then the, to have the courage. To change the things I can't. So that's where it's like, look, there are actions you have to take.
Like if there are things that you can control, you actually, you do have to do something, but you know, that's, that's has limits to it. And then the wisdom to know the difference is where I think God helps you differentiate. Between yes, you can control this and no, you can't. Right. And ultimately, and the, and most people forget the last line of this prayer, thy will, not mine be done.
Ultimately, that's the full surrender. That's the like, look, God. You made a necklace. You didn't tell me I was missing a line. That's, that's the final line of it. And that's what people miss, but P. S. I have actually a beautiful necklace that has the three key words to the Serenity Prayer. The reason I made it too is so that if you're trying to remember this, that you could look down at the necklace and see the three key I don't have it on today.
I have, I have my rainbow necklace on, but anyway, that's why I made it is because it was so life changing for me that I was like, I want people to be able to wear this and, and I wish I would have had that when I started working the steps, it's that, it's that life changing this concept of, okay, I can remember anytime I feel like, oh my gosh, I just want to die.
This is so. This is too much. I can't do it. That's the perfect time to recite the serenity prayer. God, grant me this serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Okay. I can't change this courage to change the things I can. Like, can I do something about this? Should I, is that the right thing to do? And then the wisdom to know the difference is that help.
And then. Thy will not mine be done. So it's like, and there are scriptural examples of this in the Bible in Isaiah talks about like, you know, my ways are above thy, like our ways are not God's ways, even as the heavens are above the earth, God's ways are above our ways. And so it's like, ultimately he, you know, if we understand that and we believe it, his ways are going to be better.
And so it's like, look your way, not mine. Um, ultimately, but also the courage to change the things I can, that's where I think grace comes in, which I love. I love in, in Christianity, we'll talk about grace, which is like an enabling power to where we can do things that we otherwise with, with God's help, because of Christ, we can do things we otherwise could not.
on our own power and or in our own way. So that courage to, to change the things I can, if I'm turning to God, I get the power to change the things that I, that I can, that I have something to do. Um, and so, and it is scriptural. I mean, um, I love, we talk, so Isaiah like talks about it. It's like God's ways are above our ways.
My, I mean, my personal favorite scripture, this is from, from a book of scripture, you know, called the book of Mormon. And so this is, is Mosiah, um, chapter three, verse, uh, 19. And so let me just pull it up here. And I do have this like somewhat memorized, but I should actually really commit this to memory beating, being that it's my favorite script.
I feel like you memorize things really easily. I do have it. I just, you got to get it right. You got a knack for that. And I don't want to just try and claim it, but for the natural man is an enemy to God. And in, let's see, natural man is an enemy to God and has been from the fall of Adam and will be forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy spirit surrender.
That's surrender. Yielding to the enticings of the Holy Spirit. So Okay, but I feel like when I heard that growing up, I thought of it in a different way. Kind of like a Almost like Okay, you Natural man is like, you're doing things you shouldn't be doing, and then if you're yielding to the Spirit, you're kind of just like living in this flow of like, you're just making all the right choices.
Did you ever think of it that way? Cause that's kind of how I always interpreted it. Like the natural man is not listening to God, but if you're doing all the right things and being, you know, the way you should be, then you're, um, submitting to the spirit. I don't know. Anyway. So I think I just have interpreted that wrong, I guess.
My whole life. I mean, it's probably, I don't know if that's necessarily wrong, but I think, no, I just am saying like, I think I missed the whole point. And I think that's really easy to do in scripture. You know? Well, there's like totally different levels of meaning and different people, different scriptures mean different things to different people.
That's true. Like you could give the same scripture to like 50 different people and they could totally be like, well, this feels for me, you know, this is special because of this and then I feel like it means this for me. And so, you know, I, not to say that that's wrong, but I think, I think of it in terms of, um, I guess what, what I thought initially with that scripture is like the yield sign, like yielding, just, you know, let someone pass or whatever, yielding to the spirit came down to decision making.
So like when I'm trying to make a decision, there's, there's, I, you know, I, we always think of like, well, the devil or, you know, Satan or whatever is tempting me. But at the same time, there has to be an opposition in all things. God's impressing us through His Spirit equally, you know, or, or maybe even more in some, some instances.
Um, and so there is a pull and, and so it's yielding to the pull from God, from the Spirit. But what I love about, about understanding surrender and then understanding the scripture is like, you know, That's the solution to so many issues is like the problems that I run into in my life or things that drove me to an addiction or challenges that I face like now or, or previously come down a lot of times to my own will, which is me trying to control things because I'm afraid.
And I'm trying to regain, like, not be afraid because I, if I can control everything, then I've got fear is going to go away. Or maybe there's a resentment or, or something that I'm, I'm trying to, to, you know, get a hold of. So we're having our kitchen remodeled and the guys down in our kitchen were spraying lacquer and I had no idea that that was Dangerous they're down there spraying and I'm down there.
It's six feet away from them I don't have a mask on. I just didn't even know that that was dangerous. And so I'm like measuring things, trying to plan out all the finishing touches. And then later that night, we go to bed and I'm like, Probably an hour and a half later and I am in a dead sleep. In fact I had taken a Benadryl because I had been down at the beach with Annie at a youth activity and there was something, you know, flying around the air and I came home and I was like, my eyes were watering, I felt super itchy, so I took a Benadryl.
at bedtime. So I was like, man, my allergies are out of control. So I was asleep. I was knocked out. Woke up an hour and a half later to the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Like I felt like I was having a heart attack and I couldn't breathe. And we tried everything at first. I was like, Hey, get me some water.
You brought me water. Usually if Cause I thought at first this might be an asthma attack cause I've had severe asthma attacks and really not since I was 10 ish years old, but I have before and I still remember what those felt like. So I was like, okay, maybe I just need some water. You brought me water.
That didn't help. You brought me my albuterol inhaler. I took four puffs of that. That wasn't helping, and it was just getting worse and worse. And so, and you started to give me a priesthood blessing, which is like a special prayer, and even that I was just like, nope, it's not, like none of this is working, and I just felt panicked.
I felt fear. And, um, It felt really scary. So you called an ambulance and I ended up going to the hospital and being in the ER and I, we both kind of felt like, okay, I could be dying. I mean, I, I know that sounds like silly and dramatic, but I seriously thought I was dying of a heart attack. It was that intense.
And my, I talked to my parents while I was in the ER and then you also said, I've literally never seen you this way before it was, I was crying, I was in so much pain. So, I mean. Um, what did you do to get through that? I don't know. That was just a crazy, crazy moment. I've never, I never have. I've never seen it like that.
That's what, that was what freaked me out is I've like, we, you know, through babies or preterm labor or crazy things. But I think that one, I remember I seriously was like, okay, is this it? Like are you, you're seriously going to die? Like I really thought for a minute that you were actually, maybe this was going to happen.
And it's like a weird fear that I have. Um, you know, just, you always have these different fears, but that's one of mine. Well, probably also because you've been through a lot of trauma with two people dying really close people to you dying. So, but I remember thinking in the er, I'm like, and it just was not getting better.
Like, no, it was just getting worse and the pain, and it just like the, you couldn't catch a breath. Like, I was just, I'm like, she's gonna die. Like, I remember thinking that, um, but I think it was one of those moments where when it comes, especially to something like that, where it's like, is someone going to live or die?
Um, that is a surrender moment for sure, because yes, there are things we can do. Yes. I can get you to the hospital. Yes. I can get you the ER. We can tell them what's going on. You know, they can get you medicine, there's stuff, but ultimately, if there's an issue of, of, of magnitude, that's like life or death, that's out of our hands, right?
And so that's a moment that's on, that's an, I can't control this moment for sure. And that's where it's trusting God. Entrusting his plan and his timing on things that are out of our hands. But if, but if I, for me, if I try and control it in that, in that scenario, that's just going to make me crazy. That's just crazy making fear I'm going to flip out because I'm trying to control something that cannot be controlled.
Yeah. And if you're afraid and you're trying, you know, all the more, you know, harder. To control the situation, it's just going to get worse and worse and worse and you're going to lose it. Um, and that's what happens in various forms. And I think that's what can, in a recovery or addiction standpoint, you know, not being able to surrender something or obsessing or whatever, trying to change something that cannot be changed.
Yeah. You're going to drive, as I say, drive yourself to drink or drive yourself to use drugs or, you Whatever your thing is, because there's so much unmanageability over something you have no ability to control. So explain to me how, what does that actually look like in real time? Like, did you, do you feel like you surrendered and how did you do it?
I think I was just kind of in shock, but obviously I was praying the whole time. I'm just like, okay, I'm going to follow, like, what do you do or what do we do? What's, I'm trying to feel it out. I'm like, okay. You know, we did the, I think initially that was the most scary because I was like, all right, you're clearly there's something majorly wrong here.
And then I'm like, okay, let's, let's do a blessing. We did a blessing. And then it's like, This is getting worse and I think you started panicking more and I'm like, alright, do you want to call 9 1 1? Like, you know, and then we did that. So, but I think ultimately, um, yeah, in those moments it is like a, a forced surrender where you're like, I don't have a choice here.
I mean, I can sit and freak out about it and, and flip out or get hysterical or, you know, whatever the case may be, or angry or shut down, um, you know, fight or flight or whatever. Um, or I can listen and, and try and follow whatever impressions I feel. And if there's nothing that I can do, then it's okay.
Like. God's all powerful. I'll relax and trust him. That's one of the lines from the AARP manual. So, I don't know if I've ever heard that one. That one sits in there. It's in the steps. Well, then I've definitely heard it. I forgot about it. Read your manual. Okay. But also, okay, so forced surrender. I hear that.
But also, let's just get even more granular because I feel like our week didn't get easier after that. You know, there were, there's a lot of things that are stacking up with, then we got concerned about, okay, maybe that happened to me because there's lingering mold in our house. Because when we initially had, the whole reason we even tore up our kitchen in the first place is because we had a kitchen leak and there was concern for possible molds.
Like, you can't just let water linger underneath floorboards and, and. Uh, wood floors. So we had to rip all that and the cabinets up and then they did find mold and we did supposedly professionally treat all of it. But still we were like, well, maybe I had this like severe problem and Bobby had coughed and this is so ironic.
I had taken him to the ER that morning, like 12 hours earlier because he was coughing and coughing all night long. And I was like, did he swallow something? I was so worried. And this makes us sound like paranoid, crazy people, but. I've literally never been in an ambulance in my life before this last week, and I have five kids and I've never taken one to the ER for a cough, but they both just happened to coincide in, you know, those 12 hours.
And so we were like, gosh, maybe this is, seems like it could both be respiratory. Maybe it's mold. So we're freaking about freaking out about the mold. And then there's, you know, I know there's stressful things that you're dealing with that I don't have to think about that are to do with our work. And there's stuff going on in your personal life that are just, it's like very specific to you.
And so I just feel like I kind of went into almost like physical recovery mode after that and tried to just like. Sleep and relax and lay low because that's literally what the doctor told me to go home and do but also I just didn't have a ton of capacity and I feel like things just kept piling up for you.
So What did you do to surrender? That's a good question. I mean. Or what are you doing? Basically. I mean, a lot of it's basic things, but I think the most powerful one is, is like a really honest and sincere prayer. Like if you think of, for me, it's like going to a good friend or my parents when there's like, there's a serious.
Issue or problem or whatever, or there's like a massive need. It's a different conversation than just like, Hey, you know, can I, you know, would love this could happen or whatever. I need help here. You're like, Hey, this is happening right now. And I am. In dire straits of Mm-Hmm. , I need help. Yeah. And, and I feel afraid.
I feel con I'm worried, I feel like I can't control this. I can't, you know, what, whatever it is with a situation of, of and, and then how I'm feeling, just being honest, um, and how that feels. But then putting, putting the trust in God and just being like, what would you, what, what would you like me to do? Um, what, what should I do?
What would you like me to do? What is right in this situation? And then I think a lot of times what I love about prayer is. Once you start praying and, and for me, I don't know, it's, if, if I'm being really sincere about it, the, what to pray for will kind of start to come into my mind, like it might start off a little fear based or kind of like, you know, I'm, I'm kind of wigging out or I'm like, this is going on and I'm, I'm freaking out about it, but then the calm, peaceful assurance comes in and then like my prayer gets really confident.
Yeah. And it's like, a lot of times gratitude comes in and I'm like, I'm so thankful for what I have. I'm so grateful for my family. I'm so grateful for, you know, all these things and like, I know that, you know, you're going to bless us for what, you know, whatever blessings I stand in need of, I pray that we can receive them and, or whatever it is that I feel impressed to pray for.
Um, and I love the scriptures talk about that, like not praying a miss or that the spirit will help us, like even the groanings of our heart or soul or whatever. Um, so that's kind of, for me, it's all through prayer and then, and then trusting that. And then when I'm, when I go out into the day or whatever, into the world, like remembering that prayer, remembering that trust and then acting accordingly where it's like, you know what?
When, instead of obsessing about it, I, God's got it. And if I've, if I've surrendered and, and done that prayer correctly, then that reassurance that I felt while I was praying, I feel that later in the moments where maybe that obsession would come back and I'm like, Oh man, or like, you know, whatever. Now we're trying to fix our mold problem and maybe I start to feel those fearful, freak out feelings again, I can think back to that kind of anchor moment of feeling the spirit and feeling like.
God's got it. We're okay. It's going to be all right. Yeah. I had kind of a moment like that, that especially when you brought up gratitude, I was like, that was something that happened for me on Saturday morning. I was saying my morning prayers. And kind of had this realization as I was praying in gratitude because I wake up and I say the same Sort of the same prayer every day.
I pray for three things. I start with a gratitude practice I just pray in gratitude of all the things that come to mind and it's usually kind of just this flow of things and that morning I thought to myself like, Oh, I, Heavenly Father, I'm so grateful that what happened to me on Wednesday night happened before you went out of town because you were supposed to go out of town this past weekend.
And so realizing that it easily could have happened the next night and you would have been gone and how just horrible that would have been for you to be gone and for me to have to like, get one of our kids or try to get a neighbor up and. midnight or whatever. And it just was, I was like, Oh my gosh, that was so kind of our heavenly father to make sure that I wasn't here alone when that happened.
And so I, it was a little moment to me of like, even though this was a really stressful thing for you to go through, I, that God was still in charge, like that he still made sure that it was in a way that I could handle it and that. Our kids weren't traumatized and that, and not that God, you know, he, he doesn't like puppeteer us into like all easy and perfect situations, but he does have a hand in our lives.
And I think that for me, I'll recognize like where he helped me. And I'm like, Oh, he is in charge. He is aware of me. And this detail wasn't a small detail. It was a really big deal that you could have gone out of town. You could have been gone. You were going to be gone the next day and that it happened before you left.
So that really meant a lot to me. But I wanted to ask you also about what you did Friday morning because that also seems like part of a surrender practice. Right? Because you came home and said you felt so much better. Yes. Do you remember what you did Friday morning? I went surfing. You went surfing. Okay.
I wasn't sure if you were reliant. I'm like, I don't want to say this. It sounds stupid. Sorry. I don't mean to play like mind games. No, you were like reading your scriptures. No, no, no. Oh, okay. Well, maybe you read your scriptures. I don't know. But. I always, I strive to daily. But you came home and said like, Oh, so helpful.
Oh, it does. Like why? Yeah. Um, I think there's a combination of things. So, um, so it was self care is important, but for me, it's not just like. There's a few different elements that really help. I think the nature component is always a powerful grounding effect. If I can incorporate nature into something.
For me, some type of a movement or action. It just somehow, I don't know, like the motion of something. Um, and then the physical exercise, obviously. Uh, and then I'm out there with, with a couple of friends and, and I think that there's a, the relationship connection, like those three elements just real, it's just amazing how big of a difference that makes.
Yeah. And the, the grounding and like, it just shifts, it just, I don't know, it just clears things out in it and it shifts the kind of breaks things up and it just does a lot of amazing things. I can't really explain it, but I've, I've really recognized the power of, there's something about it and there's something about the ocean, I think in general, I don't know what it is.
It's magical. I agree with that. And I also think that the kind of friendships that you've developed with the guys that you have been going surfing with the last couple of weeks, they're the kind of friends that I don't even know if you talked about anything that was going on in your life when you met up with them, but you could, they're the kind of people that already know enough about your life that it's not like surfacy.
You're not trying to like save face or whatever. You're not trying to put on a show. You're not trying to act like everything's great. I feel like they're the kind of friends that. I don't know whether they did or didn't ask you, like, how's it going in your life? But I feel like they're the kind of people that you could be totally honest with and just say like, yeah, this is what's going on.
And that kind of a connection, those kinds of friendships, I think are vital and takes effort to create that kind of friendship. But The level of help that you'll get from a friendship like that is so much deeper than just those kind of surface friendships if you, if you just always pretend like everything's fine with people.
No, absolutely. And those for sure, like the type of friends that I could say that with, um, and I think those are, those are kind of some cool things that I've noticed. Like when I do surrender and let go of things, it's amazing to see what comes back. Like a lot of times. Situations just work themselves out.
Yeah. Something happens to where like a resolve comes or there's an opportunity that you get the support that you need from a friend or things just start coming into place. And it's like, man, this whole time, like I'm trying to, you know, drive this proverbial bus around. And it's like, if I would just let go and let God drive it, we get to the Right places at the right time and the right things happen and it just comes together.
Yeah. But if it's me just trying to wrench the wheel around, it's like, we're going over the cliff, man. Like it's just, it's so scary and, and out of control. Yeah. So the feeling is just a hundred percent different when I'm obsessing and trying to control versus when I'm surrendered and God's in control.
So I am coming to you as. A sponsey and I'm like, dude, I just all this stuff's happening and you know, my relationship isn't great and I don't have enough money in the bank and I don't know, I could lose my job and our housing, like whatever, let's just pretend that there's all these problems. How do you coach someone through something like that?
I don't know. How do you teach for me? It's not like a coaching thing. I mean, but. Well, I know, but I'm just, if someone's just like, I have no idea, then they, they're new to, they're new to all of this and they don't understand surrender at all. How do you tell someone with like this pile of problems? It depends.
A lot of times for me, humor is so important. Okay. Like, like, wow, man, that sounds pretty dang unmanageable. You know, I'll say something like that, or like kind of, kind of like, it sounds like you're at step one, you know, like there is unmanageable. Like you hear somebody say something like that. You're like, dude, that's a lot of unmanageability.
Like that's, that's a lot. And there are a lot of things you can't control. Um, but then it's, it's understanding like, okay. You know, and maybe it's a process of, of walking through that differentiation with them, like what can be controlled and what can't be controlled. And, and maybe there are things that's like legitimately, okay.
Yeah. What do you have control over? Like you actually can do this or you can, like your relationship suffering with your relationship. Like, you know, and I love this. Our contractor is such a funny guy. Oh my gosh. You know what you need to do? Like he's, he's in a, he's in the AA program. We were talking about it.
Um, but he's like. You know what you need to do. Deep down, you know what you need to, and I thought so much about that. I'm like, he's totally right. He saw us like sitting in the car, like having an intense conversation. He walked up to us and he was like, are you guys fighting? We're like, no, we're just talking.
We, you know, we're just talking through something. This is our conference room. Cause we don't have like anywhere to hide in our house. And he was like, well, I don't, I like work it out. And that's where he was like, you know what you need to do. And we were like, okay, well you can send us the bell too for your therapy.
That's true though. But it's like, you know, in those moments of what can you control. I think a lot of times deep down, if I really think about it, I'm like, actually, I do know what I'm supposed to do in this situation. Um, and sometimes talking to somebody helps me figure that out. Yeah. Um, or reminds me of it, but then there are things I can't control.
So it's, it's talking somebody kind of through that process and letting them kind of say, and then ultimately it does lead to a step three of like, okay, God's there. And, and he's got it. And if we just get out of the way. And let him do what he does. Um, and we understand, and I think it does take an understanding of who God is and who we are to be able to do it correctly.
Otherwise it's like, well, God doesn't have it because he's imperfect or he's going to, he's going to drop the ball or he's failed me in the past or whatever. We got to walk, like get through some of those beliefs, um, or work through them. A lot of people have anger or resentment toward God. So it's understanding that like the God of our understanding, Might not be who God really is.
Maybe it's like, God's a vengeful God. He hates me. He doesn't like me. If I make one mistake, He's never going to talk to me again. Like, that's not God. Yeah. Um, and so it's understanding who He is and then surrendering to God. Okay. So I'm still your sponsee and I'm like, okay, cool. So I understand there's certain things that I know I need to do and I know what I need.
I already know what I need to do. I get that. What about these other things that I have no control over? That's the surrender part that's understanding the sponsor is like, I still don't understand how a lot of times it is there. There are moments of just kind of like these Red Sea moments where it's like, okay, armies of Pharaoh on one side, Red Sea on the other, I'm getting closed in on, and I think it is a forced surrender.
It's like. Okay. And I think maybe there's a freak out up to that point or, or whatever. It's like, and I've watched, it's fascinating to like, watch people, watch this happen. It's not anything I'm doing. It's like the spirit's working with them or God's working with them as you're talking. And I'm like getting all kinds of stuff I need in this conversation simultaneously.
But it's like, you see them walk through it and they're like, you know what? Okay. If it's, if it's not going to work out, it's not going to work out. You know, or if this job is not going to happen, it's not going to happen. It's not going to be the end of the world. There'll be something else coming along.
It'll be okay. Like you watch someone get to that point in the conversation, if the spirit's there and, and, you know, we're working through this and it's like, I feel it, they feel it, and there's just understanding, um, that's the surrender part, and then you hang up the phone and you're like, man, like, God is so good.
And that was a hundred percent him. We're just a couple of like messed up addicts trying to work stuff out, like calling each other, trying to talk through something, but God comes in and gives two people what they need in a conversation where they're talking about. The challenges that they're facing and how to find solution in them.
That's how the whole program was built off of that. Two addicts are two alcoholics working together. Yeah. Well, for me as a codependent to what it looks like before I learned how to surrender was I would find out that you were struggling, or I would have a sense that you were, or there would be things about your life that, that it started to look like you were going down the path of relapse or whatever, and I would just start, like, grasping for anything, like, I wanted to control You know, look at your phone or ask you the right questions or try to like talk you into things or whatever.
Like I, I would just start grasping for anything, like maybe this'll work, maybe that'll work. Maybe, you know, I was like so obsessed with figuring out how to fix you or what the solution was going to be. And then ironically, when I learned like, Oh, the solution is to let go. And then I just get to live my own life.
Like everyone gets to just mind their own business. It's such a freeing thought and that for me, I can't explain what it's like for an addict to like almost want to use their addiction and then either surrender or give in to their addiction or whatever. Like I, I don't know that, but I definitely know what it was like to cross over that threshold of like, I'm not doing this anymore.
This is no longer my problem to solve this. I'm not going to carry around the weight of your addiction anymore. I'm just going to let go. Completely changed my life. And then because it was such a huge thing to let go of, it's become a lot easier to let go of other things too, where things come across my plate and I'm like, okay.
Well, we'll figure it out or God will make a way or maybe this is supposed to teach me something But that need to control things it's a lot easier to let go once you do it with a really big thing and and as you practice it to for me Like the more I practice it the more I'm like, okay I can let this go even silly little things like, you know, our kids want to wear something weird
And so I feel like as I've practiced that, it's become more of a lifestyle for me of surrendering other people's choices, surrendering outcomes that I can't control. Surrendering hard things that feel heavy. I even feel like I learned that too with your grief journey, where I thought I was helping when I was trying every day to be like, how are you doing?
How are you feeling? Are you doing okay today? What can I do for you? And then I realized like I'm trying to control Neil's grief so that I can feel better. And once I realized that's what I was doing and I didn't mean to, I was like, Oh, I just need to let go. And this is going to take as long as it takes.
And Neil is going to figure it out with God. It's not my job to save him. And I think too, as a recovering codependent, realizing that you are not someone else's savior is an ultimate surrender moment where it's like, Oh, I'm not actually supposed to save. My kids or my husband or anybody else you can help other people, but you can't save them Like Jesus is the only one who can truly save all of us And so that to me is how surrender has just changed my life
I think just the basics really in the end there's I love the phrases You know, and I think that I can't, God can, so I'm going to let him. I mean, that's how for me, it's accessing God's power or the, the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ is through that. And that is, that's surrender.
That's, that's it. But it requires me stepping out of the way or it's really at the foundational base of it is humility. Like I have to be humble. I have to humble myself or be humbled. Yeah. By external circumstances to be able to access God's power or allow Him to help me, I think is more accurate for me.
Um, but it, yeah, it all comes down to surrender.
Thanks so much for listening to Mint Aero Messages. We're so grateful that you spent time with us today. Make sure you go follow us at Corinne Stokoe or at Mint Aero Messages on Instagram. And then if you have a second and you love the show, I would love it so much if you'd leave a rating or a review on Apple Podcasts.
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